Looking at it now I can point out the co-dependency tendencies as I flipp through the pages of the journal I kept while my husband was in rehab. It was filled with so many emotions all over every page . At the time, I had no idea co-dependency was even an actual thing, but as I look back and reflect, I did put Shane’s needs before my own , in an unhealthy way. I lost who I was and I no longer deemed myself important.
When Shane was still using we were living what seemed to be a very “real” life. I was pregnant with our daughter who’s birth resulted in a C-Section, and I struggled with very bad post partum depression. I had awful anxiety, I was working 12 hour days as a hairstylist , I underwent a pretty big surgery, we were raising a toddler, we did all the birthdays, and all the holidays. We were checking boxes. We were imitating the life we saw everyone around us living. We were fine, everything was fine. Until it wasn’t. I was speeding through life on a path to whatever was next but my eyes were closed and my head was down. I was focused on survival. I wasn't worried about taking care of ME, I was focused on my husband and my daughter.
I didn't matter.
2012 I decided to run a half marathon with a friend. This was very out of the ordinary for me at the time. Still to this day I dont know what came over me, but there I was waking up at 6AM excited to to run 9 miles of training, I was not a morning person OR a runner so again, not a normal feat for me. I trained every morning, saw the progress happening, ran in the rain, and I watched the sun rise as I ran. It was pretty cool, and not something I am interested in doing again but none the less, I enjoyed it at the time. I ran the race , finished the race , my final time was not that of a marathon runner, but I finished and I was proud. I remember driving home with my friend feeling pretty accomplished, feeling pretty free when I realized I haven’t heard from Shane. This happened to be at the height of Shane’s addiction, which at the time I was not even aware was an issue. I knew something was going on with him, I knew he drank alcohol, smoked pot, I even knew that he did an occasional recreational party favor every once and awhile but, ironically, never once did I consider that whatever was happening with him had anything to do with any of that. The old saying, ignorance is bliss fits here. I was so naive to what Shane’s addiction was doing to our family that as my friend and I were driving home I made up a whole sweet scenario in my head of us pulling up to the house and there would be a homemade banner on the garage door that said “Good Job Mommy!” And Shane and our daughter would be outside upon my arrival waving at me as we pulled up. I even went as far into my little fantasy that he would maybe have family over for a little celebration. I was really manifesting.
Mid way home I called Shane and no answer, my friend finally pulled into our court after a long 3 hour drive and….. no banner. Reality began to set in . I said goodbye to my running partner, got out of the car and started up the driveway. All the excitement and feeling of accomplishment started to diminish as I walked through my front door……. No surprise celebration, The room was dark , the TV was on and Shane was asleep on the couch. A far cry from my sweet fantasy that once was. I was crushed, I was sad, I was mad and I was the same person I always was and nothing had changed.
That day I made it pretty clear to Shane how it made me feel to not have the support I hoped to have from my husband. I would have liked his encouragement or at the least a heart felt congratulations from him at some point. I remember feeling so burnt out on these type of “conversations,” (or better described as arguments) trying to convince him how to be a loving husband that I just didn’t have what it took anymore to hear him say things like;
“Well I wasn’t the one who signed up for the half marathon.”Or
“Why do you have to make everything such a big deal?”
Or
“I didn’t know it was going to be an all day thing, you were gone all day!”
Or
“Oh I’m sorry didn’t throw you a big ol party! How was I suppose to know that is what you wanted? I’m not a mind reader!”
Needless to say, that day did not end the way I fantasized it would. It ended the way it usually did. I was disappointed, he was defending his habits, I was sad, which manifested in anger, we would argue, he would be really good at blaming his using habits on me
and
he
would
flee.
I would be home crying, worrying , calling, only to receive his voicemail, texting to a black hole with no response. All the while contemplating what I did wrong and how I could have handled it different. But the reality was, there was nothing I could say or do. He was married to the bottle and his family was getting in the way .
Everything escalated for the next year, the fighting, the crying, the lying, the lack of communication, the bills stacking up, the blaming, the confusion, the drinking, the fleeing, the lack of responsibility, and so much more. It all escalated until we no longer communicated about anything at all and I was lost without a partner, wondering what happened, what I did, how could I have handled it different. Then Shane called me one afternoon and aske me to meet him at a local bar we used to frequent.
I met him,
we sat down……..
“Im an alcoholic and I need to go to rehab”
I was shocked.
I was Confused.
Drinking could not be the issue, everybody drinks, its what people do to relax, to celebrate, you drink when your happy and drink when your sad , It’s what we knew. What does he mean ,
“Im an alcoholic?”
Amazingly enough, even though all the signs were all there, it was a shock to me. The next day Shane checked himself into a rehab facility 2 hours away from home for 30 days. That experience is a whole ‘nother blog entry in itself that Im sure is on it’s way.
In closing I will say, I am not perfect, I also had my vices, my insecurities, my traumas and coping mechanisms. However, I knew in my gut the way we were living was due to something more. Something wasn’t right, there was a darkness , a force that was part of our family that we didnt knowingly welcome. We had no idea that what we thought was the only way of life, was actually sucking the LIFE right out of us. Substance abuse had taken over our whole lives, we were under the power of something greater than us and we had no idea. Shane was the one who battled alcohol and went to rehab but I say “WE” because that demon had the ability to darken the whole family and everyone involved….
it spreads like a cancer .
We had been fooled, slyly lured into a life that we never knew was the wrong life. I felt it, I knew it but I wasnt strong enough to get out from under it.
Shane got sober on September 11th 2013, found his life and purpose in Jesus Christ and started a sobriety podcast months after being out of rehab. Partnered with Jesus, Shane is currently helping men and women across the globe find freedom from that darkness and power that is substance abuse. By the grace of God, Shane and I have been married for 15 years (2023) we have two beautiful children and we are learning more about ourselves and each other everyday. Through the years, I have had my own journey in self reflection, overcoming depression in salvation with Jesus Christ, the ups and downs of motherhood, healing holistically, learning how to accept big changes in life, how to understand co- dependency, all of that and so much more leading to this very moment of you reading this very blog entry. I have a heart for the spouse who has walked or is walking through sobriety or addiction with their loved one. It’s not easy, we are not strong enough, our strength comes from Jesus Christ our Lord and savior, without Him we can do nothing. We can’t see the darkness that overpowers us or our loved ones, we get stuck in the cycle. We don’t know where to place our worries and anxieties without the love and peace of Jesus. I pray that as I share my experiences with you, you will find freedom, hope and peace in your journey, just as I am learning to do as well.
Stay strong.
You Got this.
God is Good and Faithful.
-Jessica Ramer
Our family , restored by Jesus in 2022 in beautiful Newport Beach, CA
